i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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