I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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