If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
