i may or may not be watching the land before time
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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