Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
