The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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