wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
