I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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