The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
