I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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