I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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