If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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