allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
