Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
