the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
