sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
