If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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