Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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