Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
