Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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