I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
