i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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