bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
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I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
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I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
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