He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
