as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
