so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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