Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I checked into jail on foursquare
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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