She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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