How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
