I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
