All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
