I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.