I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.