gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.