How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
