So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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