Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
