does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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