hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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