you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
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At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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