Did you just see the Batmobile???
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
