Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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