Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
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She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
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YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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