so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
