i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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