she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
