Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize