Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
