I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
