i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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