I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
