It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
