Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
