Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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