There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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