The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
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His hands were made for my vagina.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
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Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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