Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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