I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
